My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.