I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
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[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.