“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I know
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.