EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
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Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
SPLOOT
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.