I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
can’t bark with your mouth full
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.