Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
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White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids