Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
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No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.