[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.