i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.