[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
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Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*