Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I can’t wait!
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.