The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
You Might Also Like
*seductively eats two tums*
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.