Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
mechanics be like