Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
You Might Also Like
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
tis the season
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Wait a minute
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Wednesday