Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
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I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Perfect.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.