My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner