Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
honestly, i need both:
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”