[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.