ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
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S/o to @funTweeters .
Always leave them wanting their money back.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.