Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops