Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine