I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.