Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
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[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Hey I worked for it too!
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.