“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Follow me for more fitness tips.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”