me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME