Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Good point.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.