I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Every time my phone rings
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon