Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
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🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them