These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
You Might Also Like
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.