Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”