thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Match dot com, but for socks.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”