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i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.