Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
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My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on