Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
me opening up to someone
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked