If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
You Might Also Like
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Things will get butter, keep churning
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.