My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
my friends when i can’t do basic math
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
That’s incredible! 👌
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”