GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
You Might Also Like
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
🍞🦆
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told