Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
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Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
*weighs self after shaving
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner