If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
NASA has no chill
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
What a chick magnet..
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
thank god the sign was there
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I’ve had worse