Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
i- i did not expect this
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.