Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My teenage children choosing violence
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.