“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Do one person every day that scares you.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza