Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
decorating my apartment
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn