When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
is nasa ok
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese