I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
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Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.