Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.