“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
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[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*