It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
ibopfufen
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store