i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
no one likes gloating
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT