Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
You Might Also Like
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
How dude HOW?!
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU